Real Life Mental Health Stories; What's wrong? If only I knew!

Have your tissues handy for today's real life experience with Depression.

Rachel speaks the utmost truthfulness about Depression - click on the link to hear the raw truth.

I have so much respect for this girl for speaking up to help others in a similar situation; it certainly isn't easy in a small town where people know you or know of you!!!

You go girl!

POSTS FROM ALL REGIONS

Mental Health Week: What's wrong? If only I knew!

By Contributor Rachel Fuller from West Coast SA

THU 10 OCT 20132

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Depression; My Journey Through My Blog

Without a doubt, writing about my experiences with mental health is what has helped me to accept, deal with and to start the journey of moving on from such an emotionally challenging, traumatic and life changing time in my life.

I must admit that while I was right in the middle of my depression, I swore my friends and family to secrecy as I didn't want people to find out and think any differently of me.

There is no way, that during that time, I ever would've had the courage to blog; I wasn't in the right frame of mind, I couldn't concentrate, I had switched off from the old side world and I was too ashamed to accept my illness.

Sometimes, I wonder whether the reason that I started my blog was purely a selfish one. Did I start it so that people could try to start and understand depression so that if it ever did return when we moved back to the country, that people would be more accepting of it?

Did it start out as my way of saying hello world, this is me and all of me, you may have heard about my illness through whispers and this is my way of telling the story and setting things straight? 

Was I scared of how people would react when they found out and would think I'm some nut job and distance themselves from me when we moved back to the small country town that I grew up in?

Maybe they were subconscious reasons, that at the time of writing my first blog, I hadn't given a lot of thought too.

The truth is, that whatever the reason, I was determined to speak more openly about mental health to try and help others in similar situations, and to try like hell to stop anyone from going through what I did; if I could reach just one person then it was worth putting my story and experience out there for the world to read about.

So where did my journey start?

The first ever blog post that I wrote was called 'Grabbing Life by the Balls and Going For It.'

Blogging was completely new to me, and I wanted to test the water and peoples reactions when I first ever posted my opinions on a public forum.

One of the very first things that I said was

'I'm totally stepping outside of my comfort zone to explore whether sharing my life experiences in blog form is beneficial to me and others'.

I was so uncertain, but I had this deep burning desire to write, and to write truthfully.

After that first blog post, I grew more confident.

In the second post, I knew that I wanted to slowly open the doors to depression, and start my attempts at trying to break down the stigmas.

I don't think anyone but a depression sufferer could possibly know how hard it was for me to write 5 small words.

I titled the post 'Knowing the Difference Between I'm Good and I'm Really Not Coping But I'll Say I'm Good Anyway.'

Five little words at the end of the post broke my heart; 

It started with 1 in 3 people suffer from a mental health.

I am one of them.

Five tiny words carrying the weight of my world.

I bawled and bawled and bawled when I wrote that first piece; I'm pretty sure I sobbed.

It was the first time that I had outwardly admitted to those outside of my closest friendship and family groups that I had suffered from a mental health illness.

I am sure that there were people who knew of me, or knew me, that were completely shocked when they read that sentence; there were people in my netball club and people who I worked with who would've had no idea just how sick I got; I just went missing for a couple of months.

Of course people would ask where I went, but they were met with diversions from my friends and family as I had told them to keep it quiet while I delt with it.

Again, the response that I received blew me away. People who I didn't really know emailed me, people would give me hugs apologising that they didn't know or weren't there for me, and I think people were genuinely in shock.

I didn't realise but that was a real turning point for me; it was like a cork had been placed in my mouth that stopped me from talking about my experience and then all of a sudden, once the cork had shot out like it would from a champagne bottle, the words started to flow.

I wrote my third blog post addressing depression called 'What It's Like to Suffer From Depression.'

I remember writing it at 530 in the morning. The idea came to me and I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep until I had the words down on paper. Once I had finished it, I read it to my loving partner, and then I very nervously clicked the post button and waited for the reactions.

I think I checked the blog post count 1,000 times that day!

The post gave me a chance to reflect on the causes of my depression, and made me realise just how far I'd come to be able to accept that there were both uncontrollable factors (my genes) and controllable factors (just how busy and stressed that I was) that contributed to my depression.

I remember my friends all celebrating that I could finally speak openly about it for they all knew how tough that blog was to write.

I realised that like me, there were many other people who had experienced similar stories, which made my experience start to feel 'normal' for someone suffering from depression. At the time that I was sick, I thought that surely no one else must of been feeling as low as I did, or that I just wasn't handling it at all and why could everyone else, particularly because I did have the support of my loved ones, but as other peoples stories started rolling in, I knew that I was not alone.

After that the next toughest blog post was called Depression; the Silent Killer. I knew that I wanted to make a real impact to people when they read it; I almost wanted to shock people with the use of pictures of me when I was healthy and sick, into seeing that even though the illness is invisible it is very real.

It was the first blog post that I shared onto ABC Open. I think at the time I was going through my angry stage of dealing with my illness. I was still angry that people questioned the illness; how could they be so blind? With all of the rates of suicide, how can people still think that it's all in people's heads?

I thought that if I was honest with my experience, then maybe it could open peoples eyes.

This post lead into Depression; Breaking the Myth Around Happy Pills.

People had obviously started asking more questions about my depression, and how I had overcome it. I knew that I wanted to write something to show fellow sufferers that it's okay to take the medication, and to show that you wouldn't think twice about taking panadol, so why doubt depression tablets?

I knew that there was a stigma out there about them making you all ga ga and happy all of the time, and I really wanted to make people think twice.

I think deep down that I wanted to make people feel comfortable to take the medication, because if I had've taken mine sooner, then I'm sure that my illness wouldn't have gotten so bad. For so long I was determined that I didn't need them and that'd I'd get better; I didn't want to have to accept that I needed help as the illness was outside of my control. As soon as I accepted that the medication was my last choice, and that I had tried everything else, I finally started getting better. While the medication did take some time to kick in, once it had it allowed my moods and thinking to stabilise so that I could start to gain control over my life again; it gave me back my will to survive.

My confidence grew with my posts and I knew that ultimately, I wanted to address the taboo subject of suicide; after all my blog was called Unspoken Conversations and if I couldn't talk about it openly in a forum like this, when would I ever? I started to realise that if I wanted to be able to break free from the anger, regret, self loathing and sadness of my actions during depression, then I needed to be able to let it all out.

By far, the hardest post to write was 'l Almost Lost My life to Depression'. I remember reading a newspaper article about the government hiding suicide statistics that made me so angry that I knew it was time to be open about my experience.

I forwarded on the post to my closest friends and family before I put it up on my blog. Obviously my suicide attempts had affected them immensely, and I didn't want to make them hurt anymore then I already had.

As soon as I wrote that blog, I felt free. It sounds silly, but I could finally admit to myself that I had in fact, gotten that low, that suicide had impacted my life.

Don't get me wrong, I still cry over just how bad my depression got. I still think how on earth did I let it get that bad? I'm still grateful that I'm here to tell my tale and that's exactly why I wrote that post, because I am still here, unlike so many others in the same position that I was in.

Remembering those dark and lonely days, where I was scared, and felt so far from myself, breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to think that there are people out there today, who are feeling exactly that way, with no light insight.

I wanted them to know that suicidal thoughts were all part of the illness.

Even though I began to feel better as I wrote more openly about my experience, the thing that i couldn't let go and stop blaming myself for was how my depression affected those around me. My mum wrote a blog post on how it affected her and my dad. I remember reading it and falling apart. 

No parent should ever have to see their daughter in the Intensive Care Unit struggling for survival after a prescription drug overdose. Knowing that I could never taken those images back killed me.

But the fact that I could write a blog post openly about my suicidal attempt, showed just how far I had come in my journey with moving on from depression, that my friends and family were super proud.

Since then, my most difficult blog post to write was 'Remembering Those Who Lost their Lives to Depression'.

My heart breaks thinking of those who lost their life to depression; I know the pain they were feeling, and I know jut how low you must go to think that suicide is the only answer to the illness that at the time robs you of life, and makes you feel like the world would be a better place without you.

I guess I really wanted to write the post so that people could see that suicide isn't a selfish act; it's a serious outcome to a silent and deadly illness; an illness like no other.

I thought that perhaps I could help the loved ones of people who have died from depression to get a glimpse inside the heads of the people they'd lost, and just for a minute, maybe begin to understand their reasoning a little more.

Without a doubt, the journey of my post depression has been made a whole lot easier through my blog; and I have been able to deal with my experience much better by being open to myself and others.

I truly hope that my honesty has helped others.

To say that depression will never happen to me again, or that I am completely over it, is a complete understatement, and something, that I'll probably never be able to say.

You never get over depression, or at least, the memories of it and I am grateful for that, because it makes me stop and appreciate the little things, and just how lucky I am to still be alive, and to be happy.

There's still a long journey ahead for me, and at the moment, I'm struggling with whether I should start to decrease my medication, but I don't think I'm quite ready yet.

But I thank my blog, and my readers, for giving me the courage to face my demons, and to be able to slowly move on, and to turn my experience into a positive one to help others.

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxxx

Depression; How it Changed The Person that I Am

Two years ago my life changed forever; I suffered from Depression and it forced me to question everything I knew and everything that was important and special to me.

All of a sudden, things that used to matter didn't and things that I once took for granted became vital to my survival and happiness.

My life changed forever.

While I could've started a pity party, and question, ponder and dwell on why such a horrible illness happened to me, I have chosen a different path and way of dealing with, moving on and accepting my illness; I started a blog and I grew stronger.

I chose to see my illness as a positive experience in my life, that changed me for the better and has made me a much more confident, forgiving, understanding, patient, relaxed and determined little lady.

So how did depression change who I am?

1. I now have the confidence in myself and my limitations to know when to say no, and to trust my guts in knowing that that's the best decision for me. The 'pre depression me' was a 'yes' girl, who would do anything for everyone else and would leave my wants and needs until last; I thought that was the selfless thing to do. What I didn't realise was that if I didn't look after myself first, then I couldn't help anyone else, as I would have no energy left in my tank.

I learnt that there was a difference between being selfish and selfless and that it was okay to put myself first and that didn't make me a bad person.

2. I stand up for myself. Before depression I was a door mat; people would say thinngs, often u intentionally that would hurt me, and I would let it slide because I feared confrontation and I didn't have the confidence or faith in my own voice. I felt like to be liked, I had to go with the flow and agree with other peoples opinions, instead of staying true to my beliefs and values.

Now, I stand up for myself, I know my limitations and I know that no amount of stress is worth my health. I now know that everything in life requires your energy, both good and bad, and even if you love something, if it is draining your energy and causing more stress then happiness, then it's not worth it. I never ever ever want to go back to the place that I went, and I would hate it if I did go back there because I didn't listen to the warning signs that my body was telling me. 

Believing in my voice, and trusting my guts, means that it's easy now for me to stand up for myself, and to voice my opinion if something is really affecting me, instead of letting it well up inside. If I don't voice my opinion if something that I believe in is being questioned, then it plays over and over in my mind, so it's best just to let the person know, so that there is an opportunity for change.

3. I'm not as involved as I used to be. Having said that, I still work full time, coach a netball team, play netball and I am on a social committee, but I just help where I can, and I don't beat myself up if I can't make a meeting or attend training. To be honest, I probably did over commit a little this year before scoring my job, as I didn't realise how full on it'd be, but it has just meant that I have been honest with the people around me about how I am feeling, and I have had to bail on training if I'm emotionally and physically drained. The old me would've felt too guilty and like a let down. The new me knows that my health is far more important then a meeting.

4. I realise now that money and work isn't worth your happiness. You must choose a job that you love, no matter if it means taking a pay cut, for you spend more time at work and with your work mates then with anyone else. If you are unhappy and stressed at work then you have to speak up and sort advice, and if all else fails and you've tried everything in your power, but things don't improve, then a job isn't worth your health.

5. I am much more honest with my feelings. This has been a very difficult task. I have to be mindful of things like social media, and what I say, as I do not want to worry or stress those closeset to me if I say I'm struggling or having a tough time. Instead, I speak to them openly and directly, so that they know exactly where I am standing, and so that they can support me. One of my mistakes while I was sick was hiding my true feelings, and this helped no one. Now I know that I must be honest, and admit when I am not coping, which is a very difficult thing to do.

6. I listen to those closest to me. If they can see that I am stressed, or need to slow down, then I take on their advice. Obviously those closest to me are on alert and are constantly monitoring my stress levels, behaviour and moods to ensure that I am okay and happy. They are always looking out for warning signs of my depression returning. I am grateful for their love, support and honesty.

7. I value my health above everything else. I can not work if I am sick. I can not be a loving and supportive partner if I can not function. I can not be there for my friends and have fun with them, if I am suffering from depression. I can not fulfil my goals and dreams if I become a stressed mess. I can not play netball if I have no energy. I can not be me, if I am exhausted. I need to focus on my health, and beware of my stress levels and to be prepared to give up things that I may love, if I am not coping.

8. I have an ultimate level of respect for anyone affected by mental health, including those supporting loved ones.

9. I am determined to create awareness about mental health.

10. Depression gave me the courage to start my blog, something that brings me so much joy and satisfaction.

So yes, Depression has changed me, but it's made me more honest and respectful of my feelings, it's made me slow down and relax, it's made me stand up for myself, given me the confidence to voice my opinions and has made me more open to peoples opinions of my coping mechanisms.

Depression has changed my life, but I choose to see it as a positive.

How has depression changed your life or someone you care abouts life?

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx

Depression; The Effects on Those Closest To You

Depression doesn't only affect the sufferer, it affects everyone around them.

I should know, I've been there.

The impact that my illness had on those closest to me, still brings me to tears. Even though I am writing openly about it in this blog post, it's something that I struggle physically talking about without my eyes welling up with tears.

I couldn't imagine just how difficult it was for those who love me so much, to see me become a completely different person; a shadow of my former self.

I can't even contemplate how hard it would've been to know what to say to me, and to be worried about saying the wrong or right thing that could have the potential to set me off. I'm sure they struggled with how honest they should be, and whether they should tell me that I needed help, or wasn't coping or that in fact, it was me who had to make the decision to getbetter.

While my memory of the whole experience is quite hazy, I do remember once standing in my kitchen and my sister asking me blantly if I wanted to get better, and if I believed that I could. At the time, I could only cry; getting better felt like an impossible, energy draining task that I already lacked energy for.

How hard would've that been for my sister?

How hard would've it been for my family and friends to know what to do. I was asking to fly home to mum and dads, but obviously my partner didn't want to leave me, and my parents weren't sure if it was the best thing for me. 

The doctors would say one thing, the psychologists another, and the nurses would change their story with each shift. It would've been so difficult to get information about my condition as I am an adult, and therefore the information is confidential, even though I was in no state to process, or even comprehend it.

 Could you imagine seeing someone you love lose the will to live? Or someone you love be in so much inner emotional turmoil and pain?

I honestly can't believe how strong and supportive my friends and family were. Never once did anyone tell me to snap out of it. Never once did anyone question my illness, or doubt me, or hate me. Never once did anyone give up on me, even when I had given up on myself.

My friends sent me flowers, they wrote me letters, they printed photos to stick on my hospital walls. They texted and phoned me, they came to visit and took me on outings, they even dragged me out of bed kicking and screaming abuse to  make me go to events because they knew that that was what was best for me.

My parents and partner took time off of work. They drove me to doctors appointments, held my hand when i cried, brushed my hair when I didn't have the energy or willingness to do so. They listened to me go on and on about how horrible I was feeling. They bought cards to play, books to read, suduko to solve and teddies to cuddle.

Without a doubt my support network were what got me through the most difficult battle of my life.

It wasn't easy. Some of my friends saw counselling. My partners joined Carers. My partner, who stayed strong for everyone else the whole time, still struggles to speak about it now.

Only those closest to me will ever know the intimate details of my depression; I only wished that they didn't have to go through it with me, because it kills me to think how hard it would've been for them. The thing that comforts me is knowing that I would've done the same for them, and knowing that together, we fought the toughest battle and triumphed and our relationships have only strengthened because of it.

The one thing that I have learnt from my depression is that it's so important to stop and ask the carers of the sufferer how they are going. It's so important to give them time out too, and a chance to share their thoughts and emotions. A hug can go a long way.

I am forever grateful for those who stood by me; it would've been easier to bail.

And to my partner, words can not express how incredibly grateful that I am for him. He saw me at my absolute worst, and saw things that people should never see, yet he stood by my side the whole time. 

So today's post is to all of the carers of mental health patients; I take my hat off to you.

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxxx

Your Stressometer!

What on earth is this chick talking about?

Picture a thermometer, but inside of you, somewhere perhaps near your heart, to monitor your pulse. It's a long clear tube, with a little bulb bit down the bottom, and it is full of a red liquid mixture inside. Down the side there are numbers, and little dashes that represent your stress levels. Written down at the base of the thermometer is completely chilled banana peeled. A centameter up is the saying staying cool, you silly fool. Three quarters down the tube is feeling deterred and a little stirred, half way down the length is gotta breath, I'm feeling flushed, a little up is my hearts pumping, my heads thumping. Half way to the top and your minds racing, you need to start pacing, a quarter to the top you're feeling faint and palms are sweating, taking on too much is what you're regretting. At the very top you've lost control, and you've dug yourself into a stressed out hole.

If you picture this, where would your red dye sit?

Chilled as a cucumber, or ripping your hair out, flustered mustard?

When was the last time that you stopped and checked your thermometer?

Are you more 'stressed out' then you're allowing yourself to accept? Are you sleeping? Are you eating well or munging out on nasty food to make yourself feel better? Are you in control of your life, thoughts, feelings and actions or are you frazzled and out of control?

When was the last time that you stopped and breathed? Or just sat and did nothing unashamedly or not feeling guilty?

Are you under the pump at work? Are you taking lunch breaks? Are you leaving your office? Do you get home on time?

How's things with your partner? Are you both happy? When was the last outing that you had together to spend quality time with each other?

Are you carrying around negative thoughts, feelings and emotions?

Are you loving life and sitting on the chilled banana peeled end of life? What do you do to stay this way?

I love being mindful of my stressometer. It is the one thing that I have control over. Yes, me. I am the only way who can feel my stressometer. I am the only one who can truly see its affects on my emotions, behaviour and thoughts. I know when I'm taking on too much. I know when I need to get something off of my chest that has been bothering me and is festering inside. I know when I'm eating too much crap and feeling down in the dumps because of it. I have a voice connected to the stressometer that allows me to speak up and say hey ' I'm not coping' or 'I need extra help' or 'I need a day off to regroup.'

It is up to me to monitor my stressometer.

It is up to me to ensure that I stay in the chilled banana peeled section, and if I feel my stressometer rising above the I'm feeling deterred and a little stirred, then I must make changes in my life.

For it's not worth anything, and I mean anything, to find yourself suffering from anxiety, because you're stress levels are out of control.

It's not worth feeling your heart racing, palms sweaty, vision blurry, feeling faint, isolating yourself, and geninuely feeling like poo, just because you've forgotten to monitor your stressometer.

Everything uses your energy, even the things you enjoy doing, so it's important to make sure that you keep the things on your plate that make you happy, and help you to destress, instead of filling your plate with eyes bigger then your belly!

What's your stressometer looking like?

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx

Mental Health; My Dream

Via

I am a dreamer; I am constantly thinking of ways that I can adopt my behaviour, attitude, feelings and emotions to make myself a better person, and to think of ways to contribute to making a better society.

One of my life goals is to continue to break down the stigma around mental health in any way, shape or form that I can.

Mental health awareness was the biggest driver, inspiration and motivation for starting this blog and I am so greatful for those who have contributed, commented and supported my decision to speak openly about such a sensitive topic. But my blog is only the start of a much bigger dream that I  have when it comes to mental health.

So what is my big dream and how do I hope to do everything in my power, to achieve this dream?


I dream of a world where;

Mental health is viewed as a serious, life threatening illness by everyone, just like cancer.

I hope to;

Coordinate a fundraising event like a red and rump night to create awareness and raise funds for mental health. My dream is for people to volunteer their time and services to help to bring the night together, including a caterer, musicians, waiters and waitresses and many other roles that would be needed. I would love to approach guest speakers who have experienced mental health first hand, either as sufferers, carers or professional health workers to speak openly in an attempt to open the minds and hearts of the community, while raising money for Beyond Blue and other non for profit mental health organisations. I am particularly keen to have a male speaker who has suffered from mental health, as I am from a small country town, where men are most at risk of suicide and depression. I want to create an environment where they feel as though they can speak up about how they are feeling, and give them the opportunity to speak to a professional.

I wish that;

People didn't even blink, think or question asking for help if they find themselves struggling with anxiety, stress, depression or any other mental health related illness.

I hope that one day;

People will go to the doctor and seek help for their mental health issue, as openly and freely as they would for any physical ailment that they may have.

I want the government to fund;

Adequate health care facilities for people needing an extra helping hand with getting their life back on track after suffering from the pain and exhaustion of such illnesses.

This includes providing a safe haven for people just like you and I who suffer from temporary short term mental health issues like depression and anxiety, instead of having institutions that mix the chronically ill with the temporary unwell. Both of these patients have very different needs, and I strongly believe that the current government health care facilities can't cope, or aren't designed for temporary mental health patients.

I pray that;

Suicide can be spoken about openly instead of it being such a taboo, swept under the carpet, hushed topic. Even news reporters are required to be extremely selective and sensitive when reporting anything to do with suicide. Our own government has been questioned on the reporting of misinformation and statistics from the Census's, eluding to lower numbers of suicide then what actually occur. I think this is very frightening, and infact digusting, that our own government won't or can't recognise just how big of a problem mental health is, in today's society. Maybe acknowledging it means spending more money on awareness and facilities to prevent, control and cure mental health illness???

I would absoloutly love it if;

People had the confidence to talk openly about how they truly feel without feeling ostracised, ashamed or worried about how people may perceive them.

I truly believe that this comes back to acknowledging mental health as a serious illness, creating awareness about how it affects the sufferer and their loved ones, and  speaking openly about suicide, depression, anxiety, bipolar, post natal and all of the other serious illnesses that fall under the mental health umbrella.

I want people to understand;

The impact that mental health has on the sufferers family, friends and carers, and for support networks to pop up for those who have lost loved ones to depression, or are currently supporting someone through the illness.

I long for a time where;

Those who lose someone to depression don't feel ashamed to talk openly about the person and the illness that claimed their life. We don't think any differently of people who lose their life to drink driving, or bungee jumping, or smoking (and any other risky behaviours), or other illnesses like cancer, so why should we think any differently to those who lose their life to a recognised health issue?

I hope that the;

Number of deaths due to suicide decreases with awareness and acceptance, rather then continuing to increase due to ignorance, shame and misunderstanding.

It'd be amazing if;

People would see a psychologist as regularly as they see a general practioner, to help them work through their pain, past, memories and whatever may be adding to their illness. 

I wished people would be open to;

Trying medication to bring their illness under control, just like you'd swallow a panadol to take away the pain of a headache. The way that I have come to see it is that there is no point living with an illness that can be controlled by medication. Why suffer when you don't have to? Of course, I also believe that medication goes hand in hand with speaking to a psychologist.

I guess my biggest dream would be for mental health to cease to exist, but realistically I know that is never going to happen. So instead, I am going to continue to dream, and create awareness through my own blog, and speak openly about my experience, to show that I am not ashamed of my past, so that hopefully, other people, feel as though they can do it if I can!!!

Help me to break down the stigma about mental health and inturn help my dreams come true!!!

A huge thank you to ABC Open, Mindshare and Writer's Week for helping me to spread the word about mental health!

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx

Carribean Pink - Redecorating for a Cause

I absoloutly adore, and admire people who go above and beyond to give back to society; there truly are some amazing and inspiring people out there. Today I welcome one of these such people back to my blog; a warm hello to Natasha. Natasha has formulated a dream, to start a non for profit organisation that endeavours to refurbish, redecorate and modify the rooms of people who are chronically sick, so that they have a safe heaven where they feel content - as many of these people are homebound, if not even room bound, due to their illnesses. I won't give too much more away. Read on to hear all about Natasha's vision.

The Dream

I have always enjoyed, and been good at, rearranging spaces/rooms to make them more comfortable and beautiful. I also have a passion for helping people, seem to have a bit of a gift for counselling, and have achieved qualifications in youth work and community work, along with a Bachelor of Theology in which I trained in pastoral care.

Since becoming sick with a chronic illness myself (see Tash's story here), I have come to understand how, when someone is stuck in bed for a lot of the time, and for a long time, it can get very boring and depressive. Something as simple as adding something new to the room or changing a few things around in the bedroom, can bring so much joy. But those who are sick so often do not have the ability to do this for themselves, and those who care for them, even if they have a knack with interior design, are unlikely to have the time, energy, mental space, or finances to be able to do much in this respect.

On May 27, 2013 I had an idea. I imagined how wonderful it would be to either create a new charity, or even better, join with an existing charity to create a new branch or project, with the purpose of using interior design to brighten up the lives of seriously ill people who are mostly bed bound or housebound. We would rearrange, organize and beautify one room of the house, probably the bedroom most often, but it would be the recipient's choice, to help bring some joy into the lives of people with serious, long-term illness.

 

What’s in a name?

How did I come up with the name Caribbean Pink?

Quote from the film, ‘The Secret Life of Bees’ (2008) Lily Owens: If your favorite color is blue, why did you paint the house pink? August Boatwright: [chuckles] That was May's doing. When we went to the paint shop, she latched on to a color called, "Caribbean Pink." She said it made her feel like dancing a Spanish Flamenco. I personally thought it was the tackiest color I had ever seen, but I figured if it could lift May's heart, it was good enough to live in. Lily Owens: That was awfully nice of you. August Boatwright: Well, I don't know. Some things in life, like the color of a house, don't really matter. But lifting someone's heart? Now, that matters.'

Can you help make this dream a reality?

In order for this dream to become a reality, I am going to need a lot of help. It will take a team of wonderful people for this service to happen. Some of the roles that the service will need volunteers to cover include:

* Designers/organisers/room refreshers (no qualification needed, just an eye for creating beautiful spaces)

* Shoppers

* Marketing/sales people to advertise the service and negotiate agreements with businesses, such as homewares stores.

* ‘Muscle’ for moving furniture

* Crafty/handy people – to up-cycle &/or modify furniture, hemming curtains etc.

* Administrative person/s to prepare application forms, prepare newsletters for supporters etc.

And, of course, nothing will happen without finances.

If you live in Melbourne, Australia and would be interested in finding out more about being part of this project, or if you would like to contribute financially and live anywhere in the world, please let me know by emailing me at: caribbeanpink.natasha@gmail.com

If you are from another state or country, I would still love to hear from you! You can always email me and I can sort out the best way for your donations to arrive safely in Melbourne, and can always chat via Skype if you want a role in the organisation!

 

Much love,

Natasha.

Remembering Those Who Lost Their Lives To Depression

Depression is a silent killer.

In 2009 suicide claimed 2132 lives in Australia alone, which equates to 6 deaths due to depression a day, or 1 every 4 hours (Australian Bureau of Statistics).

Many believe that this figure is much higher then what reports reflect.

Scary, hey?

Let's just take a step back and really think about what these statistics are telling us.

In 2009, 2132 people felt so low, trapped in an indescribable hell, with not even a little flicker of light in sight, that they felt like the only way to end their pain was to take their own life.

A selfish act?

How could they possibly hold a gun to their head and actually pull the trigger?

How could they research how to tie a hangman's noose, find the rope, tie it perfectly, wrap it around their neck, and jump from the ledge that was keeping them stable to their death?

How could a person empty out their pill packet and swallow tablet after tablet, in hope of being free of the pain?

It's a really, really hard thing to try and put yourself into the shoes of someone who is severally depressed, in order to even try to understand how they must of been feeling.

The thing is, unless you have been there, there's no way that you could ever know.

There's no way that a sane thinking mine would even contemplate death, let alone by their own doing.

There's misconceptions out there that suicidal people are selfish. I mean, how could they, especially when they leave behind wives, husbands, young children, family and friends?

But their life seemed so perfect.

What did they have to be sad about?

Why didn't they just ask for help?

Surely it couldn't have been that bad?

Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary illness.

I'm sure you have heard all of these things before.

I guess my views are very different, having been suicidal myself.

I no longer get angry, pissed off or even question the motives, thoughts and feelings of the deceased, instead, I feel an overwhelming sense of grief, sadness and compassion, for the person who was truly in so much pain, so much internal emotional turmoil and feeling so helpless, useless, worthless and so far from their normal self, that there was only one way out of this pain for them; suicide.

I cry even as I write this post, as it certainly hits a very fresh nerve for me.

I know that it's very rare for someone who was suicidal to share their experience, heck, people don't even like to say the word suicide, let alone share their experiences with it.

But the purpose of my blog, and today's post, is to get people talking about it. Suicide happens, and more frequently then you'd think.

Let me tell you, when I was there, a place on earth that feels like hell, I wasn't me. Sounds crazy, right? Well of course I was me in the flesh, but Depression controlled my thoughts, my feelings and my actions. I was delirious; I didn't sleep for almost 3 months. You know how crappy you feel after one night of shit sleep, multiple that by 63 nights! I was hollow. I felt as though my happy go lucky spirit had left my body, and some evil spirit had slipped inside my flesh and bones instead.

I got to the point were I couldn't take it anymore; nothing I did, no amount of medication, or psychologist appointments, or love from friends, family or my partner, could make me feel any better. I was numb. I was scared. I was so far from feeling like myself, that I felt like another person. I never pictured myself dying. I never pictured a funeral, my body in a casket, or anything like that; all I pictured was myself being free from this evil spirit.

Depression had convinced me that to be free from the evil spirit controlling my thoughts, feelings and actions, that I had no other choice but to kill myself.

Sounds bloody terrible? Sounds wrong? Sounds insane? Well that's the power of depression.

Of course no sane mind would think that way.

Of course no mind thinking this deliriously would even think about the effects on their friends and family, as I said, I didn't picture myself dying, or leaving those who I loved behind, I just pictured myself being free from the pain.

I truly believe that is how people who have died from Depression must of been feeling.

I truly hope that writing this post, and exposing myself and my story to people, might help loved ones who have lost people to depression, start to understand why their partner went the way they did.

I hope that it can start discussions about suicide, for if we can talk about it more openly, then perhaps we can prevent it from happening, or at least, stop families who grieve, and people who have tried, from feeling guilty, or worse, ashamed, of suicide.

Death by depression makes it seem much less harsh then suicide. Suicide somehow makes it sound like the person had control over their actions, and wilfully took their own life.

Death by Depression shows that it is the illness that caused the death, just like smoking claiming the life of someone suffering from emphysema, or the tumour claiming the life of a cancer patient.

No one would choose to take their own life.

No one.

So today, I want us to try and challenge our thinking towards suicide.

I want us to just pause for a moment, and think of someone you may know, or just people in general, or have died due to depression, and just for a moment, try to picture yourself in their shoes, and the heartache they must of been feeling to commit such an act.

Now I challenge yourself to call them selfish, or to feel ashamed for their actions.

Impossible?

Do you just want to bring them back and hug them, and tell them that it'll be okay? Do you find yourself crying, feeling sorrow for their pain?

I do.

Today we remember those who have lost their life to depression; a silent killing illness like no other.

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx

Depression: Picking the Early Warning Signs

Via

 A good friend asked me the other day about what the early warning signs were for the onset of depression and I knew straight away that I needed to write a blog post about it.

Just the word depression, still brings tears to my eyes.

Depression; that horrible, dark, life devouring illness that changes your life forever, but, as with my case, not always for the worse.

So, it got me thinking about a blog post that I could write to alert people to the signs and symptoms that they should watch out for, not only in themselves but in the people around them.

I am very aware that everyone experiences different symptoms when it comes to depression, so this post is purely a reflection on my own.

If you are at all worried or concerned about any feelings that you may be experiencing, please seem your doctor asap. Do not be ashamed!!! Everyone needs help from time to time; some physical, some mental.

So...these are the symptoms that I experienced.

Via

I could never 'turn my brain off.' My thoughts were racing through my head faster then a Holden race car on the final lap of a circuit neck to neck with a Ford! Yup, 24/7 my brain would be contemplating things, and 99% of the time, with a negative focus in mind "why did I say that?" "I'm not good enough" etc

 As a result of my racing brain, I had permanent bags under my eyes because I couldn't catch a wink of sleep at night. I would toss and turn, grunt and groan in frustration, and even swallow sleeping tablets in desperation for an hours sleep.

I lost my appetite. This was a huge thing for me, the grazer who is rarely caught without food in my gob. I just lost interest in food and as a result, lost lots of weight.

I started withdrawing from things. It started slowly at first. I wouldn't return a text. Then I wouldn't answer my phone. Then I would bail on dinner dates, netball training and anything that involved leaving the house.

I was incredibly emotional, and not just crying, I was just always on edge, and incredibly moody, irrational and agitated (probably because of the lack of sleep).

I had no motivation for anything at all, infact, most days I couldn't even get out of bed.

I felt like I was carrying a giant lead weight on my shoulders, weighing me down and even making putting one foot in front of the other an impossible task.

I couldn't concentrate on anything. At work I was having to read the same line in an email one hundred times, and through my anxiety, blurry vision and panic, it still wouldn't sink in.

I started throwing sick days, one after another, after another.

I felt hallow and empty, like a shell of my old self.

I felt like I had lost my voice, and second guessed everything that I said.

I felt like everyone could see the pain that I was feeling, just by looking at me. I almost became paranoid about keeping up a happy composure so that people wouldn't know that I was unwell.

I lost interest in sex.

I didn't care about my appearance.

I would spend days in my tracky pants.

Having a shower was 'too much effort'.

I couldn't sit still. I was very fidgety.

Via

I didn't want to be around people, but at the same time I didn't want to be alone, and I certainly didn't trust myself being alone.

I started having suicidal thoughts.

I experienced extreme anxiety; my palms would feel sweaty, it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, my vision would go blurry, I'd feel faint, I couldn't concentrate and I'd feel like I had a massive fever.

As I've said before, these are just the things that I felt, and became aware of.

I know a friend of mine experienced some very different symptoms, like sleeping all day everyday (when I couldn't sleep at all) and weight gain.

I guess the important things to look out for is a change in your or someone else's behaviour, attitude and thinking.

Don't put off seeing a doctor; at the end of the day, it's always better to be safe then sorry and it could save your life.

Have you ever suffered from depression?

What signs and symptoms did you have?

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx

What Makes You Happy?

To be honest, before I was sick, I never gave much thought to what made me happy - I guess I just took my happiness for granted. 

It wasn't until I found myself completely miserable, that I was forced to think about what usually made me happy, in order to try and dug myself out of my hole.

At the time, thinking of things that made me happy felt like an impossible task; it felt easier to wallow in self pity.

 Now, I see the true value in thinking about what makes us happy when we are feeling healthy because then;

A) We are less likely to take these things for granted.

B) We are more likely to make time in our life to do the things we love, instead of always doing the things we feel like we should be doing, or what others love.

C) We will feel empowered to be able to say 'no' to things that we don't love doing.

D) We have a strategy to know what to 'do' when we find ourselves stressed, or 'unhappy' that even for a short period of time, can make ourselves feel calm, at ease and feeling content, and stops things from blowing out to bigger and worse problems.

So my question to you today is, what makes you truly happy?

When I asked myself this question I came up with a list:

1. Having the time to sit and read a book of my choice, without interruptions or feeling 'guilty'.
2. Sitting in a candlelight room, snuggled up with my partner on the couch.
3. Writing a blog post because I want to, and not because I feel like I have to.
4. Creating awareness about topics that usually go undiscussed.
5. Taking a long bath full of bubbles.
6. Eating out for date night, where I get to spend quality time talking with my partner.
7. Sunshine.
8. Calling a friend instead of texting or Facebooking.
9. Getting enough sleep.
10. Taking on a challenging task (and trying to give myself praise for giving it a go, even if I fail at the outcome that I'd first sought out to achieve).
11. Full belly laughs.
12. Eating chocolate.... in moderation...if I ate too much then I end up feeling guilty and 'fat'.
13. Playing netball.
14. Making something special for someone.
15. Going to the beach and lazing around on my blow up bed in the water.
16. Drinking a nice glass of wine and savouring the taste.
17. Playing board games with friends and family.
18. Giving myself permission to have alone time and empty spots in my Calender.
19. Buying something new, but within reason and within our budget.
20. Having a full tummy.

Some of the things that make me happy may seem very simple. 

Some of the things that make me truly happy, might make you screw up your noise and think 'ugh', as you couldn't think of anything worse!!!

But I guess that's the point.

Not everything you like, others will like. Happiness doesn't have to be anything 'big' like buying a new car, or going on a massive overseas adventure.

Often when we think about it, the things that truly make us happy are the little things.

Want to put that to the test?

Well I know that I am incredibly unhappy if I haven't had enough sleep, my belly is rumbling and I haven't spent enough time with my partner, nor if I haven't given myself the chance to breath because I'm too busy!!!

So your challenge is to think about what truly makes you happy. You might write these down on a piece of paper, or in your phone, or you might just make a mental note of it.

Whatever you do, I think this works best if you have something to 'refer back to' when you feel overwhelmed, stress or unhappy, or even when you are feeling 'happy' and you're looking for something to do from your list!!!

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx