Oh Baby; I Don't Want To Lose Myself

"I don't want to lose myself."

"Can you please give me some more information so that I can understand what's important to you?"

"Yes..."

"What do you mean by you don't want to lose yourself?"

"Well, after years of searching I've finally found myself, you know,  who I am,  what makes me tick,  my limitations,  choices,  confidence,  voice,  love and respect and now I don't want to lose myself".

"What makes you think you'll lose yourself? "

"Well, I'm growing a precious baby,  and soon,  when that baby enters this world,  my life is going to change,  and I'm worried that between sleepless nights,  foggy eyes,  dirty nappies and devoting myself to meeting my babies needs that I'll fall into a heap of exhaustion and,  and, and that I'll begin to travel down the path of unwellness  again. "

"I see...so what's most important to you here? "

"To be a good mum and to be resilient in myself- to look after myself while also taking care of our baby. "

"And what would it look like if you could have both? "

"I'd be happy and healthy and my baby would be happy and healthy too."

"Is this a realistic expectation?"

"Mmmm...maybe not....I know that we won't always be healthy and happy, that's life, we're bound to become tired, exhausted even, and to come down with colds and things at some stage..."

"So maybe instead of thinking about being happy and healthy how else could you describe what you really want?"

"I guess I really want us both to be resilient, and that when we face tricky days when we're both still getting to know each other and we're tired and both probably crying because we don't know what each other wants, that I can remain calm, take deep breaths and remind myself that it'll all be okay".

"So I'm picking up two things that are important to you, your baby's resilience and your own resilience..."

"Yes..."

"Can we just pretend, just for now, that you have zero control over your babies resilience, that your baby is its own person and that while you may influence that person, that you won't and can't control your baby, who do you want to be as a mum?"

"I want to be calm in adverse situations, patient, understanding, I want to have energy still for my marriage as I believe that it is the foundation for our child's wellbeing and I want to be strong and mentally fit and well in myself".

"And of all of those things, what's most important to you?"

"To keep mentally fit...but...ummm...."

"Go on...."

"Is it selfish or an unrealistic expectation to enter parenthood wanting to keep mentally fit?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Mum's  put their kids first."

"If you were thinking and putting your child first,  would that help you to get what you really want....to keep yourself mentally fit?"

"I don't know...possibly not because I'd be ignoring my needs for my babies..."

"Okay...lets think about it this way...if you were putting yourself first, who benefits from this?"

"Ummm...well...me...and my husband and, I guess, ###insert tears### my baby too".

"So what im hearing from you that being mindful of your mental fitness would help the people most important in your life...does that make you selfish?"

"I guess not..."

"Great, so would could you be doing to keep mentally fit when you have a baby?"

"I could set aside time for myself when my husband gets home from work, like run a bath to catch my breath and refocus...I could also ask for help if I was tired, or feeling a little flat..."

"Is there anything else you could be doing..."

"I guess I could always hire a cleaner or something if the housework gets too much..."

"Great, and if people don't choose to help or you couldn't afford a house cleaner then what could you be doing?"

"I could choose to affirm to myself that it's okay to be tired, it's okay not to be coping all of the time, it's okay to need some help, it's okay to be frustrated and confused and scared when you're trying something new for the first time, and I can choose to remind myself that it's okay to want to look after myself too..."

"How do you feel about using this as a little plan for you - now that after today, we've acknowledged that wanting to keep mentally fit and looking after yourself isn't selfish, and that you've just told me that you can choose to ask for help and have positive affirmations for yourself?

"I feel, A Little Calmer..."

"Is there something you still want to say or discuss?"

"#tears# what if others think I'm selfish for meeting my own needs, or thinking about myself first sometimes?"

"I can see that this is something that is worrying you...how about we use the example of giving your baby zero control again here....how about we imagine that you have zero control over what other people think and do, and that way we can explore things you could be thinking or doing...how does that sound?"

"I see, I see now, it's the same things that I'd say to myself if my baby had zero control...I'm beginning to understand that I can't control other people's thoughts and behaviors only my own..."

"Go on...."

"I can choose to be calm and resilient and I can also choose not to worry about what others think..."

"If you were choosing these things, would they get you closer to what you really want...which you've told me is to be resilient and mentally fit?"

"Yes...#tears#, I feel so much better...I don't have to lose myself when we have this baby do I?"

"What do you think?"

"No, because I can choose both, to help our baby become resilient but to also help myself to be mentally fit".

"Have we resolved what you wanted to talk about today?"

"Yes...I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest..."

"Fantastic! "

Can you tell that I've just completed new and exciting training that is teaching me techniques for counseling and and and whose first to be counseled in my life? Well, yes, it's me and yes...This is an "internal conversation with myself!"

The aim of this post was three things; to show how we can use questioning in our own minds to find out what it is that we really want, to work out what we're doing to get what we really want, to evaluate if what we're currently doing is getting us closer to what we really want, and if not, to come up with a plan to try to get closer to what we're aiming for!

The second was to show that we can't control what others think and do, we can only choose and control what we think and do....(this is tricky  to get your head around... I recommend researching William Glassers Choice Theory if you want to know more!)

And the third is to put it out there that as mums, I think it's important, if not critical, that we don't lose ourselves...

Yes...it's something that's incredibly close to my heart and something that I myself am working through myself and will take practice and understanding when our baby is born, but I'm holding onto hope and creating plans to help me to get what I really want and that's to be a good mum but to also to be a resilient and mentally fit person too....

What are your thoughts?

Have you lost yourself as a mum?

Have you found yourself as a mum?

What things have helped you to look after yourself while being a mum?

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty  xxx

Oh baby; the Power of Fear!

Anyone who has ever experienced a panic attack or lives life with a phobia, understands the power of fear; whether of course, it's perceived or real.

Fear is such a powerful emotion and thought, that it can quite literally paralyze our body, send our minds into a spin, create physiological reactions like the feeling of your heart about to jump out of your chest, sweaty palms, blurred vision, dizziness as your blood rushes to the body parts activated by the "flight or fight response" to save your life when you feel as though your life is endangered.

When fear is present, we become tense, we think irrationally and we lose control of our mind and body.

Fear.

So isn't it funny that when we mention labour the first thing that pops up in many people's minds is fear.

We've all heard the terrifying stories of ripping, tearing from arm hole to breakfast, spilling the contents of our bowels on the table, cutting, stiching,  screaming and pain over and over again in our lives that we now accept it as truth... infact all of my life, I have only heard two positive experiences with birthing and they come from two close friends who have removed the fear through hypno birthing.

We believe that labour  goes hand in hand with fear and pain.

To suggest otherwise is to place yourself at risk of eye rolling, pffffffts, "just you waits", and the recollection of every gory detail of those who have traveled the road before you.

I don't blame other mummies for sharing their stories - after all, their mothers told them, whose mothers told them, and so the tradition continues; it's almost like we've come to accept sharing our horrific birthing stories as a right of passage for those who have been there - it justifies our pain, shows our strength, defines us as women who can endure so much to bring life into this world.

But because I'd a bit of a left field thinker, a challenger of "accepting things" just because we're lead to believe "it's the only way", and am on a journey to discovering the power of our thoughts, which I've already used to conquer fear in my life, I have started challenging these beliefs.

Why was our body made to procreate without pain, but not to give birth without pain?

Over the years of evolution and adaptation surely us humans,  the most complex creatures on earth, have created bodies fit and healthy for birthing.

Why do some cultures birth with ease and without drugs while others pre-book in dates for c sections?

How can people who have tried hypnobirthing  and have released the fear surrounding birthing, experience no pain while others who go in with fear experience horrendous pain and discomfort?

Why have psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors all around the world had success with reducing anxiety, depression, phobias and fears through mindfulness, cognitive behaviour therapy, hypnotherapy and the like?

Because they challenge the fears, and teach people to challenge their thoughts - so that people can remain calm and in control in stressful situations.

So what happens if there's another way to approach birthing rather then paralysed and tormented with fear?

What happens if we could control or eliminate this fear so that our body and mind remains calm and in control so that our muscles relax, instead of freaking out which causes our muscles to tense, causing stress for the uterus that can no longer "release" the baby with ease?

This realization, this hope, and this questioning has made me realize that perhaps there is another way...perhaps there's a chance that I can give myself the opportunity to remain calm when I enter through those hospital doors, so that whatever may happen, be that a c section, natural birth or drug aided birth, that I can remain calm and in control so that we can bring this baby into the world in a relaxed atmosphere... heck why not chuck it out there and say - so that my husband and I can enjoy the experience of birthing.

I have experienced the power of the mind along my journey of life.

I have conquered my fear  of public  speaking through hypnotherapy by changing my thinking,  I rarely have negative thoughts pop into my head because I've practiced mindfulness, I understand the power of the breath to eliminate  stress and fear.

I know how empowering it is to remain calm and in control no matter what life throws at you - by removing fear.

Exploring hypno birthing isn't about going al la natural for me - it's about giving myself the opportunity to stay relaxed and calm, no matter what happens in that birthing room.

For those of you who aren't sure what hypnobirthing is - here's a quick definition from good old wikipedia "Hypnotherapy during childbirth is based on the theory that to experience an easy and comfortable birth, women need to have an understanding of the way in which the uterus functions naturally during normal childbirth when unencumbered by fear, along with the ill effects of the fear-tension-pain cycle on the birthing process. Birthing women and their support partners are taught non-pharmacological strategies, such as relaxation, meditation and visualisation, that allow the body to birth normally without restrictions to assist in less painful, easier, more comfortable birthing.^["

So here's to exploring hypno birthing - and removing fear in the labour room.

Can't wait to keep you posted on our journey.

Ps - we've chosen Chantelle Smith from Indigo Phoenix Hypnotherapy to share our experience with us - I couldn't recommend her enough - after having great results with my public speaking phobia I'm so excited to see what results we can achieve with birthing our baby.

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxxx 

Ps - if you're interested in "choosing an alternative to freaking out in the labour" then this  book is full of information, tips and tricks to help ease your mind!

You can buy it here.

O Baby - O Lordy - Where Do We Start? All Things Baby Purchases

Via

I'm not sure whether it was friends tagging us in second hand Facebook baby bargains, the fact that we're almost half way through our pregnancy or the knowledge that baby proofing and branding our house could potentially cost us an arm and leg, that kicked my butt into gear to maybe start researching WHAT ON EARTH we need to "prepare ourselves for the arrival of bubs". 

I tongue in cheek say "prepare ourselves for bubs" because I'm pretty certain nothing, not even the best of the best in baby ware, fleecy woollen rugs, 50 million dummies, cupboards stocked full of nappies, breast pumps, sushers (only just found out what this was the other day - that's FB marketing!) and all things baby can truly "prepare you" for when you bring bubs home!

I'm not sure if it's "normal", but if you're anything like me then walking into K-mart and glancing in the direction of the pink and blue cutesy wutesy outfits and rows and rows of unidentified objects scares the bejeebers out of me.

There I said it; thinking about baby purchases overwhelms me...

Some might *cringe* here thinking, jingos, is this crazy lady really "ready for kids?"

Others might laugh and think me too!

Yes, I'm a first time mum.

No, I don't know what a baby dam or mungo is.

Yes, it was fun getting bubs into my tum.

No, I didn't think about getting bubs out of my tum.

Yes, I'm naively excited about the journey we're on.

No, we' don't have millions of dollars in the bank, a childproof, or even anything proof house yet (but it's slowly getting there), and we don't have a clue about parenthood (except from witnessing our loved ones becoming mummy and daddies!)

Yes, we thought, well if we wait for enough money and a nice house then we'll be past our expiry date for children!

So yes, we are incredibly grateful to be growing a human baby - that we made - together - out of the love we share!


But anyhoo, back to all things baby buys!

I'm not really sure what it is exactly that sends me into a spin, and opting to avoid the baby aisles; perhaps it's because house renovations are our number 1 priority so that baby t has a nursery and comfortable place to call home, or maybe it's something deeper, like that fact that I have been soo mindful of miscarriages and things "going wrong", that I didn't want to jinx myself by racing out and buying all things baby "just in case".

Or maybe, just maybe, it's because I spent the first trimester + 1 week with my head in a bucket as a constant reminder that I was pregnant (which of course, I was incredibly grateful for), and then BAM - sickness stopped, energy came back, and despite the hanger pangs and nausea that can be quickly dissolved with food, I CAN SOMETIMES FORGET THAT I'M EVEN PREGNANT IN THE FIRST PLACE...until I catch myself in a mirror and thing ohhh jeez better slow down on those hamburgers!


And then, then one of the most amazing things started to happen - little butterfly flutters.

At first I wasn't sure if it was a pop, burp or tummy rumble - but as the flutters started feeling like muscle spasms, and the twinges became more regular, I started to realise, that yes, indeed, baby t is in there, growing stronger each and every day, and reminding mummy that he or she is indeed preparing to enter our lives in 23 weeks!

So yes, I really, really need to take a leaf out of my babies book, and get a little wiggle on!

Here's what I've come to accept - if I think about all things baby and every single thing that we'll need then I become overwhelmed, similar to when I thought about planning our wedding day and everything involved, just scared me into inaction....so instead, what I am choosing to do, is to prioritize the things we'll need first,  and to start slowly, one thing at a time, sweeping the net, texting mummy friends and trawling second hand sites for all things baby buys!


So I had this idea, that I could perhaps help other first time mummies out by sharing my journey to babyfying our house - what things we bought first, how much you can expect to pay for budgeting purposes, what options were out there, what recommendations friends made, what we chose to buy second hand and what we bought brand spanking new, and shedding some light on those unidentified objects in the shopping aisles!

First up is our bassinet...but that can wait for another post!


Can't wait to share my journey to mummyhood with you!

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxxx

I fought for my life

Around this time 4 years ago I was fighting for my life in the intensive care unit at the royal adelaide  hospital after depression almost claimed my last breath.    

What's as equally scary and sad is that I believe every single person suffering from depression would have at least thought about taking their own life in the belief that they were so unhappy and trapped in hell  on earth that they didn't deserve to live anymore.

That's 1 in 5 people at some point in their life or over 4 million Australians.

While my journey since has been to become mentally fit, to truly be happy,  to share my passion with others and to inspire other people to put themselves  first, every now and again I feel compelled to shed light on mental illness, so others can understand why it's so important to take care of your mental health.

I am forever grateful each and every day that I have been given a second chance at life;  and I am determined that I'll continue to grow mentally fit until my time comes to take my last breath.

I don't ask for sympathy, I don't ask for tears, I ask that you think about your happiness and whether there's choices or changes you can make to be happier and healthier because life truly is too short to be unhappy.

Oh baby! The First 6 Weeks.

There's only one thing that could possess a woman to heave herself out of the comforts of a warm toasty bed on a drizzly night, to slip her uggboots on over her onesie and drive around to her parents house at 1130 pm to cook chicken nuggets, in the hope that when they were sizzling hot and ready to devour she still felt like them...

Yup pregnancy.

(And for the record they were the best tasting chicken nuggets that I'd ever eaten!)

My husband and I are working on our next project; baby t and me oh my are we quickly finding out that there's some very fine writing that slips through the radar when reading the blue print for parenthood. 

So here goes, a no holes bared approach to pregnancy as I attempt to enlargen this delicate print so that other oblivious expectant mums, friends of the now crazy hormonal lady, husband's who are working through the challenges of a wife who doesn't really know what she wants and all parties concerned have a little sneak peak into the changes their loved one is experiencing.

1. Read the instructions when taking a pregnancy test. This may seem like an obvious thing to do, but silly me, in all my excitement (after purchasing the test in the nearest regional city because there was NO WAY that I was being seen buying a pregnancy test in my tiny town of 1000 people!), peed on the stick, waiting 2 secs and quickly dismissed it as negative before discarding it in the bin...

Note; you must wait a few minutes for the test result to appear.

Fortunately, I had a light bulb moment and thought oh it might be a good idea to read the instructions and hey presto, luckily I'd saved the pee in the cup and slowly before my eyes I saw a second line appear.

My reaction?

Wait, does it mean one control line will appear and then if you're pregnant a second line will appear? Or is there meant to be one control line and then 2 pregnancy lines?

After 2 more tests (I bought 9!) I started to feel a little giddy and decided to zoom home to break the news to my husband.

2. Now what?

Again, maybe another obvious question but as first time parents we weren't sure what came next after our luminescent urine line on a stick!

Phone a doctor.

I have never felt so nervous in my life. "And what brings you here today?"

"Ummmm I think I might be pregnant!"

(What the hell?  What kind of an answer is that? I think I might be? Wouldn't you know either way? OMG what if I'm not and I just like some overly  energetic sexed up woman who looks like someone who takes a pregnancy test the second the sperm is ejected from the penis and now I just look like a twat? ) Yup, I thought that.

Luckily for me I saved myself from that embarrassment because the Dr concluded that yes, there was in fact a faint second line that had appeared!

3. So when was your last period?

Again, maybe something obvious to take note of when you start trying for a family but little itty bitty silly me usually knows my period is due when it arrives on my doorstep...

Embarrassingly enough I had to think back to events that occurred around the time of my last period to pinpoint the start date....oh yes had sex that weekend, ohhh yes we did haha ohhh nope, all entrances blocked that weekend boo yeah!

Note to self keep a calender for future reference.

4. You can be pregnant before you've even had sex...

Wait what? Okay so not technically...but your due date is calculated from the first day of your last period and not from the date you had sex...So technically your last period could be the 13th of February and you don't conceive until the 27th and by the time you miss a period and take a test you may already be 4-5 weeks pregnant because the date is calculated from the 13th.... With me?

Strange... so yes, when we found out we were already 5 weeks pregnant (seriously this tripped me out for a little bit but you get your head around it).

5. Remaining blissfully naive.

We all have a choice when it comes to pregnancy; reading every book in site to understand the ins and outs, burps and farts,  tenderness, weight gain, ability to smell a fart the minute it leaves the person's anus and all of the wonderful changes to your body,  or remain blissfully naive.

For the first time in my life I've stopped myself from hiring every book in the library, reading pregnancy blogs, liking pages,  downloading all of the recommended apps and asking others about their experiences and comparing my own. Instead, I'm choosing to go with the flow, with the exception of consulting doctor Google for important questions like can I eat prawns on pizza and is Mercy Valley cheese okay to eat while pregnant?

I just don't want to freak out and stress over every little thing.

The choice is mine, and we all make our own so that we can cope and understand the changes to our bodies and lives.

But blissfully unaware seems to be working for now...

Anyhoo that seems to be the stand out points for the first 6 weeks (I'm currently 9 weeks while writing this) and boy oh boy do I have some juicy stories to tell in my next oh baby blog post.

Above all I have to say that I'm grateful for the experience because I know that not everyone gets the chance to have a biological child and that is something that I affirm to myself every day when I had my head in a bucket.... haha

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx

Why I'll Never Choose to Work Full Time Again

What I really wanted was more time.

I was forever saying "there's never enough hours in a day", "there has to be more to life than this!"

This being rolling out of bed blurry eyed to the sound of my alarm clock that came all too quickly, grumbling good morning to my husband, running on auto pilot during my forever rushed morning routine because I could never bring myself to set my alarm 15 minutes earlier to be more organized.

Jumping in my car and rushing to work with toast still in my mouth,  feeling disheveled already! 

Then walking into the office forcing a big smile on my face while turning on my time to be professional, life's full of rainbows, time to leave behind my personal troubles, bright and bubbly customer service face for the day.

Of course, when lunch breaks came around it was my time to shine while I crammed in a papsmear at the doctors, filled a script at the chemist and grabbed some food to fill our bear cupboards, all which could only be done during this precious hour of "chaos" so I could appear somewhat organized and functional in my life that existed outside of work.

Then back to work to finish off the afternoon shift before jumping in my car, needing match sticks to keep my eyes open, and traveling the 40 minute commute home before barging in the door and having a go at my husband for not having anything out for tea!

Oh yes, the fights we'd have over the silliest of things because we were both exhausted from our days and now, had to somewhere pull energy out of our empty tanks to try and muster up a conversation that you know, keeps your marriage intact while chopping vegies,  defrosting meat and cooking a feast at 630pm (on the nights we had home) or running in the door as your husband is running out to football practice while your scramble together your things so you can attempt to keep fit, be involved and have it all!

So yes, I decided that enough was enough.

I wanted to enjoy Christmas shopping, instead of spending my lunch times huffing and puffing about there being no parks, and I only have an hour and now there's only 40 minutes left and the queues are always so long and omg the bow was right the first time on the gift wrapping.

I wanted to potter while doing the shopping, instead of flying in the door 5 minutes before closing time to grab another 2 minute meal deal!

I wanted to have time to prepare and cook yummy meals that were nutritious, authentic and out of the ordinary instead of our usual spag bog!

I wanted to be able to serve my husband, and to have a clean house and delicious smelling meal on the table when he came home instead walking into a bomb sitte and coming home to tornado kirsty!

I wanted to be able to breath.

I wanted to be able to enjoy my weekends instead of spending one of the precious two days off preparing for the working week ahead.

I wanted more time.

I knew that I couldn't literally create more hours in the day, so instead, I chose, after careful discussions with my hubby,  to drop a day of work so that I could do all of the things that I felt like I was missing out on.

And you know what? It was one of the best choices that I have ever made.

1 whole extra day in my week.

And yup, I chose for that day to be Monday.

Just typing that sentence helps me to un whine from the early madness of my blog post (and former life!)

One whole day makes the BIGGEST difference.

I can spend my whole weekends doing "fun stuff" with my husband and friends, while knowing that the washing and house cleaning can wait until Monday.

I can potter down the deserted aisles of my local IGA, taking my time to pick the juciest smelling rock melon.

I have the luxury of reading the backs of packets for new recipes and going back down aisles already traveled to grab things I'd missed or needed to bring the creation to life.

I can go on lunch dates to the local bakery with my friends which I could never do before because I was never in my town during opening hours (I worked 40 minutes away in another town!)

I have time to sink my teeth into a good novel.

The rest of my week goes by quickly because there's only 4 days to get through before I have 3 off!

I feel organised; with washing folded and put away (not left In laundry baskets).

I can breath.

Of course, there were sacrifices that I chose to make.

Less work = less pay which meant that we'd have to tighten our budget a little, maybe the renovations wouldn't be done as quickly, perhaps I'd have to go without things. ..but what I've actually found is that we're saving more money because I'm using a day less of diesel to and from work, I have more time to cook meals with leftovers so that we can pack our lunch every day and we  eat out less at night time because our meals are planned ahead.

"Well you're lucky that you have that choice" I hear you say?"

"My job would never allow me!"

"But I have a mortgage to pay!"

All valid points, but we have a choice whether we discuss the option with our boss or not.

We have the choice whether we quit our jobs and find ones that are part time (as I did).

We have a choice to sell our expensive houses and reduce our mortgages so that it's an option.

We have a choice to go without certain things so that we can make it happen.

I believe that if it's something you really really want, then you'll find a way to make it all work.

I'm a big believer in questioning things just because we're told we have to or because it's the norm!

I'm a big believer in looking after our health and happiness and grabbing life by the balls.

I'm a big believer that money doesn't equal happiness.

And that is why I choose to work part time (even before kids!); because I really, really wanted more time.

Btw, there is more to life then "this".

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx

Taking Charge Of Your Life; My Dream, How it Can Help You, What I've Learnt and How I'm Becoming Mentally Fit

How much are you in charge of your life?

Are you a yes person?

Do you make time for yourself?

Do you constantly feel unbalanced?

Are you mentally well, mentally ill or mentally fit?

What things make you happy?

What makes you tick?

What's important to you?

What's your focus in life?

What do you need to be happy?

What do you want, do you really, really want?

These are all really important questions to ask yourself, and something that I have been exploring by learning about Dr William Glasser's Choice Theory and participating in a course that was dedicated to his work called Take Charge of Your Life.

By asking myself these questions I have been able to grow from being mentally unwell to mentally fit!

I've been so excited to learn about his work, and to be running a road show sharing his information in my local community.

Soooo I thought I'd share a tiny little snapshot of what I've learnt from the course with you!

The course is run over 6 one hour sessions.

The first session is called "Shifting Your Mental Model" which is all about how, often in society,  we blame the external world for any unhappiness that we might feel in our lives ie our mundane or high pressure jobs, run ins with friends, tension in families or family breakdowns, the stress of money, events that have happened throughout our life and really anything that happens outside of us. 

This session teaches us that if we are constantly blaming the external world for our unhappiness then we are robbing ourselves of the chance to make change, because no matter how hard we try, we can't make anyone do or think anything that they don't want to.

 Instead, we learn that we can only control our own thoughts and behavior.

E.g.  I can't make my husband do the dishes all I can do is choose to explain to him why they are important to me and to control how I ask and encourage him and how I react if he says no!

One thing I've been practicing is if I'm feeling anxious or stressed, saying "I'm choosing to feel anxious or stressed" and pretty quickly I realize that I don't want to feel that way so instead I say "I'm choosing to feel calm" and low and behold it works!

Via

Via

The second session is all about our 5 basic needs as humans and our quality world (or the things we want!)

Glasser believes that everyone has all 5 needs but that one is usually stronger then the others. 

The 5 basic needs are;

Love and belonging; relationships with people, feeling connected and apart of a group, sharing quality time with those closest to you, having a good relationship with yourself. 

Survival; the need for sleep, looking after your health, preparing healthy meals, exercising regularly, routine, structure and safety.

Power; the ability to make change, challenge yourself, achieve goals, voice opinions, be respected, be heard, and to empower others.

Freedom; the need to have choices, being flexible, doing things on a whim, traveling, exploring new places, time to oneself, not bound by others, independence.

Fun; the need to learn new things,  be engaged in activities, laughter, doing things you want to do.

He believes that we have pictures and images in our quality world's (minds) that meet these basic needs and are the things that we want,  love, cherish, believe in etc. Ie for me it's a renovated house,  to be mentally fit, to have a clean sink, ugg boots, travel, my marriage etc.

One thing that really clicked for me in this session is that when we're trying to please others hardly any of our needs are being met except perhaps love and belonging.

Ie we have less power as we feel obliged to say yes even when our inner voice is saying no (so feeling powerless) and we may not feel as respected because we're often taken for granted.

We have less fun because we're often doing what other people want us to do and not what we really want to be doing.

We have less freedom because our schedules are usually full and we feel like we have no other choice but to say yes.

Our survival goes down because we're always so busy and might be putting others needs before our own ie sleep, time to prepare healthy meals and to ourselves first.

And maybe even less love and belonging, especially for ourselves! We might be spending more time with the people we care less about to please and less with the people we care most about!

So the hot tip here....to choose to put yourself first and to find out what it is that you really want that needs your needs (is needs satisfying!)

Via

The third session is all about relationships. My light bulb moment was that Glasser must think that relationships are really important if he dedicates one of six sessions for it!

 And he does - he believes that relationships are at the heart of all mental health problems and are the number one cause for unhappiness.

It doesn't only have to be the relationship with others that is suffering in your life,  it could be the relationship with yourself.

I was like OMG when I learnt this because when I was sick I kept saying "but I have a supportive workplace, great partner and friends and family" but the relationship that I lacked was with myself.

So many times I would affirm to myself that I was 

"A stress head"

"Worthless"

"A failure because I'd changed my mind on my career path when everyone else seemed to know what they wanted"

"Weak for not saying no"

And much much worse I'm sure!

A retreat I did recently said we have 50000 thoughts a day so if all of these thoughts were negative then no wonder I felt so bad!

Glasser believes that to improve our relationships,  particularly the one with ourselves, that we should use connecting habits ( listening,  supporting, encouraging, negotiating, respecting, trusting, accepting) rather then disconnecting habits (blaming, criticizing, complaining, nagging, rewarding to control (or bribery), threatening and punishing).

The tip here is; before you say or do something ask yourself "will this bring us closer together or drive us further apart?"

The sad thing is that often we use the disconnecting habits with those closest to us, like our partners and family, but these are actually driving us apart.

Imagine if we all choose to use the connecting habits more? Wouldn't the world be a much nicer place!

I've already noticed a huge different in my marriage now that I have chosen to be more mindful of the language I use (although I'm not perfect I still snap and nag but I always feel horrible after! )

Via

The fourth session is about perception and how we take information in from the "real world" (what we've got) and compare that with the our quality world in our minds (or what we want). 

Often when what we want and what we have are two different things then we feel unbalanced or tipped.

Ie when I was sick the image in my quality world or mind was to be myself; fun, life loving and happy but in my real world I was depressed so I felt tipped and tried what I thought was best at the time,  to get back in balance (which often lead to a lot of anger, frustration and disappointment!)

The tip here is to remember that everyone has different pictures in their quality world of what they want and everyone takes in information from the world differently to us. This doesn't mean that theirs is wrong or bad, it might just mean that they have different wants and needs and we can choose to use connecting or disconnecting habits to support these.

Via

The fifth session is all about our behavior and what we try to do to get back in balance when what we've got and what we want don't match.

It's similar to CBT (Collaborative Behavior Therapy) that I learnt from my psychologist in that we can only control what we think and do and this will in effect change how we feel and our physiology (ie our heart rate and breathing).

Ie I can ask you to think about a red truck and you will.

I can ask you to wave your arm and you will.

But when I ask you to lower your cholesterol on the spot you can't change your physiology and when I ask you to get angry on the spot you probably can't without first thinking of something that makes you angry therefore you can't change how you feel without first changing your thoughts.

The thing I learnt here is that if we focus all of our attention on how we feel ie depressed, anxious, nervous or sad, then we'll be stuck because we can't change this.

Once we learn that we can only change our thoughts or what we do, only then we can change how we feel.

No wonder that I felt bogged when I was sick because I could only focus on how horrible I felt and I really didn't focus on what I could do (go for walks etc) or think (trying to distract or change my thoughts) which in effect would've helped my depression...okay so I tried but was so bogged by the illness that I needed some extra help with medication and specialists!

Via Glasser uses the car analogy to describe our "total behaviour". The driver uses the front wheels to go in the direction that they want. Two front wheels are thinking and acting. These wheels are the only things that we can control, and move us in certain directions. If we focus on our physiology and feelings, then we'll be left spinning on our back wheels!

In the sixth session we make a plan to take charge of our lives by thinking about what we really want and how we can choose to think and do things to make this happen!

I mean, how many of us out there know what it is that we really want or what we choose to focus on?

Sometimes it's a matter of seeing whether our quality world pictures are realistic ie winning the lottery, bringing back a loved one who has passed away, etc and just simply taking the think about what it is that we do want.

As one participate said that once she'd decided to put herself and her family first everything else slotted in around that!

She came to realize that, the relationship with herself and her family were the most important pictures in her quality world so she choose to put them first!

I've done a lot of reading of Glasser's work and have been fortunate enough now to see the course 4 times as I work as an assistant to the facilitator and the more I learn the more it clicks for me.

My second favourite quote! Via

Via My all time favourite quote!

And my third favourite quote via

If you're interested in learning more I recommend checking out the William Glasser Institute, reading some of his books and if you're interested, registering your interest in the free course that were offering!

Anyone and everyone can learn to take charge of their lives, not only those who identify themselves as mentally unwell, but also those who want to learn ways to keep mentally fit, those who want to work through some unhappiness in their lives and those who want to make a change!

I choose to take charge of my life everyday because we only get one shot at it and I want to be the healthiest and happiest version of myself!

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx

Guest Blogger; Are you Autism Aware? Our Journey with Autism.

 

 

How many times have you seen a kid playing up and thought; wow he/she is naughty? If that was my kid? Don't the parents have any control over that child? I know I have.

 

How many times have you stopped to think; maybe that child has Autism? I know I hadn't...until I read Peta's story - then I was like, me oh my, I've been so ignorant!

 

I must admit, ashamedly, that Autism is an illness that I don't really understand because I've never known anyone close who has suffered from it - and sometimes, I worry about kids being overprescribed drugs and labels by society, doctors, teachers, parents etc, when maybe the child is just very active, and somewhat different to other children.

 

I mean - what is normal? Who defines normal?

 

But then I read stories like this one, from a mother,who knows her child probably better then anyone else, and who knows, deep down, that her gut feeling is telling her that something is different and special about her child and I realise that labels and medication aren't necessarily a bad thing, and that many times they are absoloutely necessary so that the person can receive the support, understanding, respect and treatment that they deserve (not to mention to help with the sanity of those who are supporting them!)

 

I'm so grateful that Peta reached out to me to share her story because that's what my blog is alllll about; sharing real life experiences with those taboo unspoken conversations, so that we can shed some light and help people to understand the truth behind the misunderstandings.

At the end of the day we have a choice about whether we open our minds to Autism, or whether we remain ignorant.

I'm so glad that Peta has helped with my perception of the illness, and has opened up my mind, and heart, to see just a glimpse of what it must be like for the child, and their families.

 

So my question to you is; are you Autism Aware?

 

 

Take it away Peta. 

 

 

With April being Autism Awareness month and April 2nd being Autism Awareness Day I thought it was a good time to share our story so far about living with Autism.

What is Autism?

 

Autism is a lifelong developmental condition that affects, among other things, the way an individual relates to his/her environment and their interaction with other people.

 

The main areas these people find difficult are communication, social interaction, restricted or repetitive behaviors and interests as well as behavioural issues.

 

In Australia 1 in 100 people have Autism, with four times as many boys effected than girls.

Meet Jay - isn't he adorable?

   Jay is 6 years old and is diagnosed with high functioning Autism and ADHD ( Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) . When Jay was born in August 2008 he was a little premature but a healthy newborn. He would feed every hour, his sleep was very limited and he never really showed much emotion.

 

What a little spunk with his hair all spiked up! Jay and his sister Ilka.

 

As Jay got older he didn't hit the milestones at the same time his sister Ilka had. I began to worry when his words didn't come and when they did they were hard to understand, his crawling and walking were later than most, his behaviour also became very unsettled and he was easily frustrated. He would also only eat very limited foods.

 

  People told me not to worry as boys were slower than girls , so I brushed it off and kept battling on.

 

Jay started kindy in 2012 . I was very apprehensive as he was struggling with toileting still, still wasn't talking clearly, his behaviour was spiraling out of control, he lacked social skills to interact with others and his diet had become extremely limited.

 

 

After attending a few sessions with him I became very alerted that something really was different about Jay.

 

I did some research and everything was pointing to Autism...but what was Autism?

 

 Surely I would have known before now if my child had this?

 

After talking with a few people I knew who had kids with Autism I noticed Jay had all of the traits...now what to do about it?

 

My first step was to see the occupational therapist who attended the kindy. She then referred me on to CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Services). Both agreed that Jay was showing traits of Autism. We were then referred by Jay's local doctor to a pediatrician. The ball was now in motion and I finally felt we were getting some where.

 

I researched day and night and was certain this is what Jay had. Appointment after appointment and being stuffed around for over a year and half we hit luck when a new pediatrician fitted us in for a appointment...and gave us the diagnosis in January 2014!

 

I remember crying and crying...not in sadness but in happiness that finally we had a answer! It's a hard pill to swallow ,but I had been certain since day dot  that Jay was different and to have this confirmed meant Jay could now receive the help and services he needed to.

 

 

I have been told over the years that he was just a naughty, spoilt brat, fussy, rude, arrogant, deaf, won't look at people when they talk....but no! Jay wasn't these things , he was Autistic.

 

 It explains it all!

 

These comments and judgements by other people used to upset me.

 

I will never forget one shopping trip we were happily shopping and Jay was starting to get aggravated. Next minute Jay was in full behavioural meltdown (these include lots of loud yelling , screaming , hitting and biting) with everyone now staring at us and passers by making comments, there was no way I could calm him in this environment. So I pulled him out of the trolley, left my half loaded trolley mid isle and went to walk out to the car where I could calm him easier. A passer by made the comment that "aren't you going to put that back?"

 

 No!

 

My priority was my child and his safety and well-being.

 

 

During the long process of the diagnosis , my lack of understanding of what my child needed, and constantly dealing with unexplainable behaviours, I myself ended up in hospital.

 

I swore I was having a heart attack with pains in my chest, my heart was racing , shaking, I couldn't breath and my hands were turning blue!

 

No, I wasn't having a heart attack, I was having the first of many panic attacks.

 

 

Going to the shop became a massive job . Pulling up in front of the shop and literally not being able to get out the car. I learnt to regulate myself and I haven't had one for a little over 12 months (touch wood).

 

 I no longer care about others judgements or negative opinions because the only reason they make them is because they aren't Autism Aware!

 

Today Jay has a great team in place with his pediatrician, occupational therapist, speech pathologist and a massive support crew at school. Everyday Jay is improving.  

 

We still have days that are extremely challenging but we live by this little quote " everyday is a new day for us and we don't dwell on what happened yesterday."

 

So next time you see a child screaming in the shop maybe stop and think...Do you know this kids story? Can there be more to this situation then meets the eye?

 

  Please take five minutes and make your self Autism Aware . There is no cure for Autism but there is a cure for ignorance!

 

Thanks Peta

 

Via

 

 To find out more about Autism visit http://www.autismawareness.com.au/

 

To find out more about panic attacks visit Beyond Blue.