Boobies

How do you make 5kgs of fat look good? 

Shove a nipple on it.

Unfortunately I can't claim the ingenious behind these words of wisdom; I once spotted it on a greetings card as I stood with crossed legs trying not to pee myself with laughter in the card aisle of a newsagency.

But how true is it? When else is fat attractive apart from if you are storing hoards of it in a ghetto booty like J-Lo?

I just don't understand how people can find boobs sexy, well, apart from men who don't have to cart them around. 

I mean, from where I'm looking, you mise well sling two cut off leg stockings filled with medicine balls over your shoulder and say hey presto - check out these puppies!

Sometimes I start to empathise with larger people who can't see their toes, that is of course, unless you push one aside, and what do you know?! Ten little toes start wriggling beneath.

It's crazy to think that once upon a time I prayed that my little mossie bites would grow into something big and volumptous.

I still remember the day that I'd decided my mossie bites had swelled enough to sport my very first crop top.

It was a day of pride.

Now I don't even think my nipple would fit in a crop top.

Instead, I spend my time wandering down lingerie aisles, feeling the rims of bras to make sure the under wire won't carve a mark into my skin like a whip destroying a slaves back. Usually that means skipping the pretty little perky lacy bras and jumping straight to the plain Jane, grandma styled, white, black and cream, thickly strapped, heavily under wired section, and praying that they have something left in my size, anddd that's just for my normal every day bra.

Then we've got the black eye saving, made of steel, not going to move these big boulder, sports bras. Let me tell you, without one of these, running wouldn't be fun for anyone, including the person in the lane next to you who would be likely to get knocked out by your adventure roaming chest balls.

Ohhh and then there's your back. Could you imagine carrying around two sacks of 5kg potatoes over your shoulders day in, day out? Go on, give it try; I wouldn't be surprised if you came running back with an appointment card with a surgeon to have your sacks removed asap.

And just when you think things couldn't get worse, next minute you're laying in a hospital bed with cabbage leaves soothing your breasts, as you start to realise that there was a purpose to carrying around your melons in the first place; for having your precious bundle of joy gulp down their 2 hourly milk intake.

Surely your boobs and nipples will never be the same again after that.

And then, once you've popped out your baby, you find the true meaning of gravity. What comes up, must come down and you thought catching a pube in your zipper was bad; imagine your nipple?

And just one more thing; I think every large breasted lady should be given a shirt that says hey buddy, eyes up here; for some reason men seem to mistake your nipple for your eye ball.

So here's to big breasted ladies doing it tough, when only a bra can 'have your back'.

I hope you got a giggle from today's post.

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx