Unspoken Conversations are the topics that are often swept under the carpet, whispered amongst the closest of friends and bitched about by many. I want to create awareness about difficult things that people face in life; grief, mental health, money, illnesses, family troubles, relationship difficulties and putting yourself first. I want to tell the truth about things that really matter.

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Remembering Those Who Lost Their Lives To Depression

Depression is a silent killer.

In 2009 suicide claimed 2132 lives in Australia alone, which equates to 6 deaths due to depression a day, or 1 every 4 hours (Australian Bureau of Statistics).

Many believe that this figure is much higher then what reports reflect.

Scary, hey?

Let's just take a step back and really think about what these statistics are telling us.

In 2009, 2132 people felt so low, trapped in an indescribable hell, with not even a little flicker of light in sight, that they felt like the only way to end their pain was to take their own life.

A selfish act?

How could they possibly hold a gun to their head and actually pull the trigger?

How could they research how to tie a hangman's noose, find the rope, tie it perfectly, wrap it around their neck, and jump from the ledge that was keeping them stable to their death?

How could a person empty out their pill packet and swallow tablet after tablet, in hope of being free of the pain?

It's a really, really hard thing to try and put yourself into the shoes of someone who is severally depressed, in order to even try to understand how they must of been feeling.

The thing is, unless you have been there, there's no way that you could ever know.

There's no way that a sane thinking mine would even contemplate death, let alone by their own doing.

There's misconceptions out there that suicidal people are selfish. I mean, how could they, especially when they leave behind wives, husbands, young children, family and friends?

But their life seemed so perfect.

What did they have to be sad about?

Why didn't they just ask for help?

Surely it couldn't have been that bad?

Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary illness.

I'm sure you have heard all of these things before.

I guess my views are very different, having been suicidal myself.

I no longer get angry, pissed off or even question the motives, thoughts and feelings of the deceased, instead, I feel an overwhelming sense of grief, sadness and compassion, for the person who was truly in so much pain, so much internal emotional turmoil and feeling so helpless, useless, worthless and so far from their normal self, that there was only one way out of this pain for them; suicide.

I cry even as I write this post, as it certainly hits a very fresh nerve for me.

I know that it's very rare for someone who was suicidal to share their experience, heck, people don't even like to say the word suicide, let alone share their experiences with it.

But the purpose of my blog, and today's post, is to get people talking about it. Suicide happens, and more frequently then you'd think.

Let me tell you, when I was there, a place on earth that feels like hell, I wasn't me. Sounds crazy, right? Well of course I was me in the flesh, but Depression controlled my thoughts, my feelings and my actions. I was delirious; I didn't sleep for almost 3 months. You know how crappy you feel after one night of shit sleep, multiple that by 63 nights! I was hollow. I felt as though my happy go lucky spirit had left my body, and some evil spirit had slipped inside my flesh and bones instead.

I got to the point were I couldn't take it anymore; nothing I did, no amount of medication, or psychologist appointments, or love from friends, family or my partner, could make me feel any better. I was numb. I was scared. I was so far from feeling like myself, that I felt like another person. I never pictured myself dying. I never pictured a funeral, my body in a casket, or anything like that; all I pictured was myself being free from this evil spirit.

Depression had convinced me that to be free from the evil spirit controlling my thoughts, feelings and actions, that I had no other choice but to kill myself.

Sounds bloody terrible? Sounds wrong? Sounds insane? Well that's the power of depression.

Of course no sane mind would think that way.

Of course no mind thinking this deliriously would even think about the effects on their friends and family, as I said, I didn't picture myself dying, or leaving those who I loved behind, I just pictured myself being free from the pain.

I truly believe that is how people who have died from Depression must of been feeling.

I truly hope that writing this post, and exposing myself and my story to people, might help loved ones who have lost people to depression, start to understand why their partner went the way they did.

I hope that it can start discussions about suicide, for if we can talk about it more openly, then perhaps we can prevent it from happening, or at least, stop families who grieve, and people who have tried, from feeling guilty, or worse, ashamed, of suicide.

Death by depression makes it seem much less harsh then suicide. Suicide somehow makes it sound like the person had control over their actions, and wilfully took their own life.

Death by Depression shows that it is the illness that caused the death, just like smoking claiming the life of someone suffering from emphysema, or the tumour claiming the life of a cancer patient.

No one would choose to take their own life.

No one.

So today, I want us to try and challenge our thinking towards suicide.

I want us to just pause for a moment, and think of someone you may know, or just people in general, or have died due to depression, and just for a moment, try to picture yourself in their shoes, and the heartache they must of been feeling to commit such an act.

Now I challenge yourself to call them selfish, or to feel ashamed for their actions.


Do you just want to bring them back and hug them, and tell them that it'll be okay? Do you find yourself crying, feeling sorrow for their pain?

I do.

Today we remember those who have lost their life to depression; a silent killing illness like no other.

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx


Anonymous said...

It's a very confusing and emotional state you find yourself in to be pushed to such levels. Help is out there for everyone everyone is worth it

Anonymous said...

Wow thanks for sharing Kirsty. Very brave. I have been there also and totally agree. People who die from depression are not thinking rationally. The effect depression has on ones brain changes the way you think in such a profound way. Looking back I find it hard to believe I ever was in such a dark place I thought suicide was the answer. But thankfully I am no longer looking through the lens of depression. And am so grateful I am still here to find that people were right and there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Your blog inspires me. Thanks Kirsty

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for explaining the strong link between depression and suicide to those people who think it is a selfish act. It is the worst possible symptom of a scary, evil illness that no person should ever have to suffer. I hope your blog helps people to understand and to get help.