Unspoken Conversations are the topics that are often swept under the carpet, whispered amongst the closest of friends and bitched about by many. I want to create awareness about difficult things that people face in life; grief, mental health, money, illnesses, family troubles, relationship difficulties and putting yourself first. I want to tell the truth about things that really matter.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Divorce: a new beginning

Today I welcome Leanne to the world of blogging. I am lucky enough to work with Leanne. She is a true inspiration to women. life has dealt her some lemons, but she is proof that you can turn them in to lemonade...perhaps it's because she's just so sweet. I really look up to leanne. she always makes me laugh, has a huge heart, she knows what she wants, she's living life to the max and she's strong. 

Today leanne discusses the topic of divorce. that d word that sadly affects so many people. in many cases, divorce isn't a bad outcome, it sets the person free. it starts a new beginning. 

Leanne's story.
Me at 19 in 1982 at my first wedding.

Another day at work. Nothing especially unusual about the day I thought.  I sat on my chair,  turned on my computer, checked my emails and then I turned over the old school calendar that I have at my desk.

It was the 17th July. It dawned on me that it would have been my 30th Wedding Anniversary today if I was still with my first husband, the father of my 3 gorgeous children!

Unfortunately, we made only 21 years of marriage before we parted.

When you are young, (I was only 19, he was 18 when we were married) you think that you will grow old together and be relatively happy. You don’t realise that there are lots of other things that you would never think of that have the potential to rip things apart, especially after you have started your family.

At the time, we thought that DIVORCE was never going to happen to us!!! 

It did though and I was devastated that it had come to that. We had grown apart and we had so many arguments on a daily basis but we were always going to stay together.

Besides, we had children, and don’t they say that you should stay together for the sake of the children??? 

The answer is an overwhelming NOOOOOOO! The children do not want you to stay together if you are always fighting and they have to listen to the same old crap every day. They wanted us to separate!

So we did.

I lived with 2 of my 3 children and started my single life.

I had a good time alone for 2 years, spending time with my great friends Sue and Anna , who really kept me sane. I would have been lost without their support, going to concerts and movies and just enjoying life.

Me at 42 in my second wedding with Anna.
I was in a good place at the time and then I met the guy who was to be my second husband. I thought I had spent enough time as a single lady and wanted to enjoy the company of a nice guy. I thought all my dreams had come true.

We started a relationship and it was good. He had 2 children and 2 ex wives! Not really a good way to start another relationship but I didn’t know the hassles I would be dealing with yet!

We married after being together for 18 months. I thought that was a reasonable time to spend together before we tied the knot. I wanted it to work and so thought I was doing all the right things, after all, hadn’t I bought shame on the family for not trying to keep my first marriage together (this is the stress that we are stupid enough to put on our shoulders!)

Unfortunately, it only lasted a little over 4 years! After going through a heap of crap first time around, you are NOT going to take any crap the 2nd time round. We usually do put up with too much anyway because it wouldn’t have lasted 4 years if you didn’t!

We are very lucky to be around today and not in the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s or even the 70’s when it really was frowned upon if you divorced.

When I was a little kid I dreamed of having a loving husband, children, nice house, good job, retiring together and maybe having your children live with you until they are maybe 23 and you have a fight everyday because you have to move all the cars around to get to yours (like in that show called ‘Kingswood Country’.)

That was my dream, to have to ask my kids to move their car out of my way so I could get out of the driveway! It didn’t happen and I was very disappointed.

I have now been living alone for 2 years and 3 months and it is fabulous! I don’t know if I will ever trust a man again. Maybe one day I will meet someone who deserves to be with me but maybe not!

Sue, Elvis, me and Anna.
It is not an issue like I thought it would be. It’s funny, I went to a reunion last year and in the last 15 years so many people that I haven’t seen have divorced!

Divorce is sad but life dishes out so many obstacles that you either can deal with or you can’t! Nobody should be unhappy in life and you should only stay together if you are part of a safe and happy environment. Not because of a supposed stigma of DIVORCE!

 After all, your family and friends that know and love you and have seen how your life was affected by an unhappy marriage will always stick by you and be proud of what you achieve in your future pursuits and will only ever want the best for you (and will also tell you when someone is unworthy of you because love can be blind!) A big thank you to my sister and her husband for their continued support too!

Sue and I in 2005 in Sydney on a girls weekend!

Circumstances have the potential to change you so much. Children, responsibility or lack of it, money, unemployment, gambling, alcohol, jealousy, friends who interfere, exes,  children, violence, in-laws, sickness (short term or lifelong,) and infidelity. You need to change your thinking that you can’t always fix it if it’s broken!

Women unfortunately are taught to put themselves last instead of first. We should be equal first with the many other responsibilities that life brings. 

Jason, Nicole, me and Kirsty, my wonderful work mates.

We need to expect to be treated well regardless of what has happened to your partner in the past. We always seem to excuse their bad behaviour because of this or that, ‘he didn’t really mean it’ or ‘he really does love me.’ NO HE DOESN’T IF HE TREATS YOU BADLY. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS BAD BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS YOU! Take note of how he treats other women. If he is disrespectful towards them in general then he will be disrespectful of you in the future when the ‘Honeymoon Period’ is over.

Sandra, me, Kirsty and Jason.

I am also very grateful to my workmates who helped me get through all of the crap, particularly Nicole, Jason, Darlene, Sandra and Kirsty. It is amazing how much you do depend on your friends at work more so than your outside friends and family, probably because we seem to spend our lives at work hey!

I don’t regret my marriages. They have made me who I am. I did my best to make them both work but it was obviously not meant to be.

Leanne xxxx

What do you think about divorce? Have you been in a sad relationship or do you know someone who is? Would you consider divorce? Why/Why not? Are you making up excuses for the other person at your expense of your happiness?

No comments: