Unspoken Conversations are the topics that are often swept under the carpet, whispered amongst the closest of friends and bitched about by many. I want to create awareness about difficult things that people face in life; grief, mental health, money, illnesses, family troubles, relationship difficulties and putting yourself first. I want to tell the truth about things that really matter.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

This is How It Feels

Today we get a rare insight into the world of a struggling mind, while battling Depression.

I thank the author for sharing.

Hopefully those who are struggling with Depression, don't feel so alone in their thoughts when they read this and hopefully those who are supporting someone with Depression can develop a further understanding of how the person must be feeling.

My alarm goes off and I feel like shit – only a few hours of sleep again. I press snooze knowing I won’t get back to sleep but may as well try. I lay in bed feeling a deep sadness that comes from my chest and engulfs me. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do for the day, no one to talk to. There’s no point in me even getting out of bed – who in the world would benefit if I moved? Noone. In fact, many people would genuinely benefit if I didn’t move. I could lay there doing nothing all day, willing myself out of existence. If I don’t move or do anything or talk to anyone maybe, just maybe I will just disappear and this hell will be over.

I reach for my phone and check my email and facebook. But I never have any messages. Noone cares. Noone loves you I remind myself. I want to cry but I can’t be bothered. I just sink into a deeper sadness. I know for a fact that out there in the world other people are happy and laughing and having fun so happiness must exist but I can’t feel or believe that. No, in my universe all joy has long been sucked dry and it no longer exists at all.

Eventually I get up and have a shower feeling dead inside. I stop at random moments just to take a deep breath and sigh and force myself to continue knowing that it’s pointless. I never bother to dress nice or wear make up or even brush my hair – no one is going to see me. And the people that may see me, they aren’t friends and I stopped caring what others think long ago. I force myself to eat breakfast – for something to do really. I’m not hungry and all food tastes the same anyway. Then I guess I should and may as well clean my teeth although its not like anyone would notice if I didn’t. 

And then now what? I have nothing to do, no one to talk to, nothing. I am nothing. Anything that I might possibly do – I can’t. I have a list of things that I need to do that has been growing for the past 6 months. But many of them involve leaving the house and I can’t do that, I mean look at me, I’m too embarrassed to go anywhere and if it wasn’t that I would be too anxious to leave the house. Why bother? My life is pointless. I’m useless. Has there ever been a more useless person than me? I drop my head and shoulders knowing the answer to that question is no. I slump into a chair, I have no energy or will to move. What’s the point?

Lunch. Even though it’s a pointless exercise it’s something to do. Check my emails and facebook again – still nothing because I am nothing. No one gives a shit about me. They don’t care anymore. Everyone is sick of me for being down too long. They would be so much better off without me. If I really care about them and was a true friend I would kill myself so that I wouldn’t be a burden to them anymore. I sit and imagine how happy they would be, how much better everyone I’ve ever known would be without me. 

Afternoon turns to evening and I get more and more frustrated. What is wrong with me? I’m such a failure. I can’t do anything. I’ll never amount to anything. I’ll never get better. I can’t do this anymore. I never get anywhere. All the studies show that if you are depressed and get treatment things will get better but I never get anywhere. I’m in the same place I was years ago, yet somehow worse. I reached the end of my coping zone years ago. What is wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Dinner. It’s all so pointless. Why the fuck should I bother? I’m nothing. I will never amount to anything. I open the cupboard and close it again. I hate you, you piece of shit. You useless fuck. I hate myself. I literally hate myself. I want to die. Please God, just let this end. You know I’m of no use to anyone. You know it’s in everyone’s best interests. I’m sorry I’m so useless. I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person that no one will even speak to me. Check facebook and email again. See no one cares. They just want me to shut up and die. I want to die. I just want it to be over. PLEASE.

Bed time. Not that I can ever get to sleep. Although everyone else does so I feel slightly less shit that there is no one to talk to. What’s the point? Nothing I say has any point. Noone gives a fucking shit. Even if I had something to say that I hadn’t already said, who would listen? Noone. How would it be any different? It wouldn’t. All I do is upset people by being so fucking miserable. Nothing ever changes. So why fucking say anything? I’m wasting my time and for what? Nothing is ever going to change. This is my life. This is as good as it gets. This is it. Alone. Nothing. For another 5, 10, 20, 50 years. Jesus Christ! It’s all so pointless. I’m wasting my time. Everyone just wants me to shut up and die and I do too. Every day is just hurting more people and delaying the inevitable.

That’s one day in my shoes. Multiply this by 1,000 days (at a conservative estimate). And welcome to my hell.

beyondblue: the national depression and anxiety initiative
 Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty xxx

1 comment:

Patricia. said...

eeep. this hits very close to home. Depression is a scary, very real thing that affects more of us than I think anyone really knows. Thank you for posting this, because I was considering not posting a personal experience I had recently....but seeing things like this remind me that it's important to get out there. Awareness really is everything.

Hope all is well and thanks again for posting. :)