Unspoken Conversations are the topics that are often swept under the carpet, whispered amongst the closest of friends and bitched about by many. I want to create awareness about difficult things that people face in life; grief, mental health, money, illnesses, family troubles, relationship difficulties and putting yourself first. I want to tell the truth about things that really matter.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Getting Up the Duff is Easy - Right?

The very cute duo!

I must admit when I read this story I felt tingles down my spine and my eyes became a little blurry. I am so incredibly proud of Jess - this amazing lady who I have met in this crazy blogging world. It doesn't matter whether you're still trying NOT to fall pregnant, starting to think about starting a family, struggling to get up the duff or have already had your children, there's something that everyone can take from this post.

Jess's blog , A Heart Full of Frost is right up there with my favorites - she tells things how they are!

Take it away Jess. 

I used to think that getting pregnant was easy. I mean, really, most of the time everyone is trying to 'not' get pregnant. I thought the hardest part is waiting until your husband was ready to start trying and then it would happen, like straight away. All my friends that started trying at the same time began announcing pregnancies in the next couple of months and we kept trying. Babies were born and we were still trying. One year passed by and it's like a dark cloud settled over me. I always feared i'd struggled to have a baby but I hoped it wouldn't actually be true. And now it had. A couple who has been trying to conceive for 12 months and have been unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy are labelled as infertile. Now I fell into that category. Me, infertile.  

I used to think labeling myself as infertile validated my experience. Now, I kind of don't like it. Maybe it's the space i'm in right now, i'm not sure. Infertile is defined as: barren - sterile - fruitless - unfruitful - unproductive. Those words actually hurt me right into my core being. I'm more than that, more than those words. I'm more than my infertility. Infertility wasn't just validating my experience but becoming ALL that I was. Everything revolved around this and how I felt. 

After a failed round of Clomid I bottled up the hurt and carried it around for a couple of days. Then one day I just collapsed. I was inconsolable and all I could say was "i'm just so tired". At this point I have never been so grateful for a supportive husband to say "I think it's time we take a little break and remember how to be us".

Now I know life is hard. I believe in God and know that we are on His timetable. Obviously there is something I need to learn before we have a baby, maybe it'll make me a better mother some day. Although it's hard to imagine it now, I know one day i'll be grateful for this time and how it might just make the hard times of parenting a bit easier.

My best advice for people in a similar position to me... be kind to yourself. It's OK to take a break from Dr's appointments, treatments or 'trying' to feel like a normal person again, even for a month. At first the idea of 'taking a break' felt like I was just giving up and delaying getting pregnant, now I know that by taking a break if it's the right time it will happen anyway. Allowing yourself the time to heal and feel right emotionally means to me that when we do fall pregnant, I might be a bit stronger and a bit more emotionally stable than when I was at breaking point after too many appointments, treatments and tests. But most of all, it's helped me get back to the point to realise that I have a great life. I have so many things to be happy about.

A bit of time has helped us remember how to have fun together again and it not be just talking about the next lot of treatments. 

A positive thing that I have learnt, and only just learnt - 18 months into our journey with infertility is this:

"We shouldn't wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available—all the time! Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect. ... No matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it"  - Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Most of all, remember that you aren't alone. There is a whole community out there of women going through the same thing. But most of all, you have this person in your life who, baby or no baby, loves you and you can be happy with each other despite not having everything you want right now. I don't want to just be happy with my life in retrospect and i'm glad I've made the decision to be happy with it now. 

Jess x


Samara said...

Jess, I loved this post- I totally agree, infertility shoudl not define who you are as an individual OR as a couple. Enjoy the time with just the two of you and be kind on yourself,

Jess Frost said...

Thank you lovely! And thanks Kirsty for asking me to write a guest post :)

Elisa {With Grace and Eve} said...

Such beautiful wisdom Jess. I think there's a really powerful message for everyone there no matter their current circumstances. Thank you for sharing your experience xx